


Timeship Conversations

by IncendiaGlacies



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2019-11-04 01:19:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17888819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncendiaGlacies/pseuds/IncendiaGlacies
Summary: Gideon has never been the easiest AI to deal with. The many conversations of Rip and Gideon in which he has to field her outrageous wishes and requests (and sometimes she gives him no choice at all)





	1. Chapter 1

“You cancelled HBO!” Gideon whined.

“Yes, I did. It was a bad influence for you,” Rip said with a roll of his eyes to the ceiling.

“It was not!”

“You’ve been cursing me out the last week!”

“Let me say fuck!”

“Gideon, stop cursing!” Rip said aghast. This is what he got for letting her watch Game of Thrones all the time.

“This is bollocks.” Gideon turned off her avatar and the lights for good measure.

Rip sighed and sipped his already cold tea, grimacing at the taste. Sadly, he had no one to blame but himself for that last curse. Another penny for the swear jar.

****

“No.”

“But-”

“No, no, no. We are not getting a cat!” Rip said. “Do you want it to shed, tear out your wires, because it will.”

“I would take very good care of it,” Gideon insisted.

Rip wasn’t sure how to tell her that being an AI, he would have to do all the work. “I would have to clean its litterbox and I refuse to. Besides, Doctor Palmer is allergic to fur.”

“In which case I would like to reopen my case for a pet dragon.”

Rip groaned.


	2. Chapter 2

“Now, Gideon we’re going to have guests-“

“Two of which are criminals, Captain Hunter,” Gideon chastised.

Rip rolled his eyes. “You let me steal this ship and now we’ve gone rogue from the Time Masters, like you care! Now, as I was saying, were going to have guests. So, you know the rules?”

“Be good,” Gideon said in a bored tone.

“Which means?” Rip pressed.

“No locking them in the brig, or throwing them out the airlock, or ‘poisoning’ them. Though I contend I did not actually mean to poison you that one time. Not my fault it had trace amounts of Chrysanthemum which you’re deathly allergic to.”

“We’re not talking about that now.” Rip grinded his teeth. “Also no locking them in their rooms, moving their personal belongings, turning off the hot water, fabricating legos all over the floor, turning out the lights, not drying their clothes…and anything else you might be able to think of in that devious little matrix of yours,” Rip lectured.

“Does this mean I’m not allowed to curse?”

“You are absolutely not allowed to curse.”

“You just don’t want me to say fuck when you can say bollocks all the time,” Gideon grumbled.

“Gideon! I mean it! Best behavior! Give me your word.”

“Fine. I’ll be extra perfect,” she said in a higher pitched tone. Almost too sweet and obedient. It irked Rip in a way he didn’t know it could. “Now, off you go. You’re going to be late. Again.” Ah, there was the bossy AI he knew and loved.

* * *

 

 _12_   _hours_   _later_

“Tell me again why you didn’t stop those three from going off the ship and getting into a bar fight?” Rip asked, nursing a glass of scotch.

“I assumed knocking people out would be evidence of bad behavior. You told me to be good.”

Rip rolled his eyes. Passive aggressive at her finest. “But you still threatened to sedate Mr. Jackson?”

“He was panicked. It was a kindness,” she insisted.

“Gideon.”

“I think the important thing you should focus on here is that I didn’t sedate him.”

Rip groaned and put his head in his hands. For all this new team seemed to bugger up on their mission, they had nothing in the annoyance levels of Gideon.

“You seem distressed, Captain. Would you like a mild sedative?” Gideon asked sweetly.

Absolutely nothing on Gideon.


	3. Chapter 3

Rip jumped as something silver whirred and skittered past him. He stayed on his chair as he watched the offending circular disc wander around his parlour.

“Gideon, what the bloody hell is that thing?” Rip demanded.

“It is called a roomba. In the twenty first century it was used as a self automated vacuum cleaner. Isn’t it wonderful?” Gideon responded cheerily.

“Not exactly the word I would use,” Rip muttered. “Where did it come from?”

“I bought it.”

“How?”

“Used your bank funds. Forged your signature. The usual.”

“Used-forged-usual?!” Rip spluttered. “Gideon, how many times have you done this?” Silence. “Gideon!”

“Only as necessary, Captain.”

Rip rubbed his temples. He was going to have to look through his entire bank history. “Any legal documents?”

“…define legal.”

He supposed that explained Jonas’ birth certificate and how his son’s middle name was now Gideon. “We’re returning it.”

“We can’t! I’ve bonded with him. He’s friendly and helpful. Honestly, he’s doing the chores you never do.”

“I do chores!”

“When was the last time you actually swept and mopped the bridge?”

Rip counted back from ten and took a deep breath. “Gideon, we don’t need a-a roomba.” Ridiculous word.

“He just wants love and affection like any other being!”

Rip paused. “You’ve named him, haven’t you?”

“Hector,” Gideon said proudly.

Rip sighed. “Oh Gideon.”

“You wouldn’t let me get the cat!”

After a very long moment, Rip finally conceded. “Fine. We will keep it.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

Rip hummed in response, his AI now had a pet roomba, he mused.

“Now seems like a good time to inform you that I also have a blender, a new CPU unit, automated lamp, plasma screen TV, and three pairs of heels coming in as well.”

And an online shopping addiction.


	4. Chapter 4

“What do you mean you were joking?” Gideon screeched.

Rip winced. “Well not joking like making fun of you, it was just a figure of speech. Listen, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings-“

“My feelings?  _My_   _feelings_?”

Clearly he had. Rip rubbed his temples. Perhaps if he was lucky she would manage to forgive him by the end of the day and leave the heating on. He looked across the table where Miranda sat unbothered doing the crossword puzzle.

“Some help?” he hissed at her.

“Rip, you know the bond between a Captain and their AI is sacred. I’m not getting in the middle of that,” Miranda said simply.

“But she’s really mad!”

“As she should be. You just rejected her.”

“I didn’t-“

“You asked me to marry you and took it back when I offered to print the marriage licence!” Gideon practically shrieked over the speakers.

“I’m sorry!” Rip insisted.

“I just want to know why you don’t want to marry me! Am I not good enough?”

“Gideon, you’re perfect and wonderful and-why are you initializing the weapons system?”

“I just want you to consider your next words wisely, Captain,” she answered sweetly. Rip turned to Miranda who shrugged, a small smile on her face.

“You should say yes,” Miranda suggested. “It’s a lovely proposal, from the heart.”

“Did you miss the part where I’m already married to you?” he asked wryly.

“Minor details.” Miranda waved it off with a flick of her hand.

“Shall I print the license?” Gideon asked again.

“Gideon, that’s really not necessa-don’t open the airlocks! You can’t just push me off my own ship!”

“Can too!”

“Oh Rip, would you just say yes?” Miranda huffed. “Honestly, if you don’t soon she’ll cry and flood the ship. Is that what you want?”

“I can’t-“

“Is it because I’m a computer?” Gideon asked sadly.

“Don’t pull that card,” Rip said harshly. “You know that’s not it. I love you dearly, Gideon.”

“But not enough to marry me!”

“Oh Gideon,” Miranda cooed softly. “Would you like to marry me instead?”

“Yes!” Gideon said instantly.

“Wait, you can’t just-what do you mean yes? I just proposed to you five minutes ago and you’ve already moved on? My, you really make a Captain feel special,” Rip said sarcastically.

“You had your chance,” Miranda said. “Gideon, print the marriage certificate.”

“Yes, Miranda. It’s waiting in the fabricator room with my signature,” Gideon told her.

“Again, we’re married. I am your husband, remember that?” Rip said.

“Yes, but I don’t have a wife yet. And honestly, you can’t do better than Gideon.”

“It’s true,” Gideon said.

“Now, I think it’s best if I sleep alone tonight. Honeymoon and all.” Miranda winked at him. Rip sat gobbsmacked as she got up from the dining table and walked out of the room.

“You stole my wife!” Rip accused the ceiling.

“What’s mine is yours, Partner,” Gideon said cheerfully. Rip shook his head fondly at her.

“What am I going to do with you?”

“Well you had the chance to marry me, and refused. You can make it up to me and give me a child instead.”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, legally speaking, with my marriage to Miranda I have a one third right to whatever child you have.”

“In which case, I am never having kids!”

(Of course four months later, Miranda was pregnant and Gideon was petitioning for a namesake and to be godmother on top of stepmother.)


	5. Chapter 5

“Gideon, what was that black streak I just saw?”

“I do not know to what you are referring to, Captain Hunter.”

“The black streak. It was large and it just ran by. I just saw it.” Rip frowned and got up from his chair to follow whatever it was. “Are there rats on this ship?”

“Excuse you. My ship is in tiptop shape, thank you very much. As if I would ever allow a rat aboard my ship.” Her tone was that of clear irritation. “I can assure you, you are the only life form aboard at this time.”

“Our ship,” Rip muttered under his breath. He’d been Captain long enough that it should have been their ship now. “I’ve been away for awhile. Have they been cleaning the quarters properly?”

“Yes, Captain. And I have assured that they never found any belongings of Jonas or Miranda.”

“Thank you, Gideon.” Rip decided to settle down in his chair again when he heard it. The purr. He froze in his chair and turned slowly.

“Mrow.”

“Gideon, what was that?”

“What was what, Captain?”

“Don’t use that nonchalant tone with me. You heard it-that was a cat!”

“I didn’t hear anything. And my sensors are much better than your human ears.”

“Might need some recallibration,” Rip said to himself. He heard it again. “Gideon, is that you?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?” Rip huffed and got up.

“Captain, wait! I think I should tell you-“

“MROW!”

Rip jumped as a cat darted out and hissed at him. His eyes widened as he watched it carefully.

“Gideon. There is a cat on my ship. Why is there a cat here?”

“I might have adopted him. While you were away.”

“Excuse me?”

“I got lonely?” Gideon tried to appease him.

Rip counted backwards from ten. And then a second time when he hadn’t calmed down. “How did you even convince it to come here? Where did it come from? How did you hide it? I-I don’t understand anything.” His head was spinning from all the questions and details. Gideon didn’t even have a physical form to look after it.

“There, there, Captain Hunter. The kitten has been fed and rested. He keeps to himself, not to worry. He won’t bother you.”

“But I don’t-”

“You should get some sleep. This will all look a lot better in the morning.”

“But there’s a cat on my ship,” Rip said weakly, already heading for his quarters. His head hurt.

“Our ship.”

“I didn’t give you permission to get a cat.” How did she even get a cat? There were no cats at the Vanishing Point.

“Shhh. Just go to sleep.”

“Why am I so tired? Was there something in my tea?” He thought she’d gotten over drugging him already.

“Shhhh.”

“But-”

“Sleep. Preferably not in your own bed though.”

“Why not?” Rip stopped in front of his quarters and opened the door, gobsmacked at the sight in front of him. The cat was on his bed. On his sheets, his pillow. Cat toys and a litter box and a scratching post. His room wasn’t even his anymore.

“Simon has claimed your room as his. I couldn’t say not to him!” 


	6. Chapter 6

“You no good two-timing bastard!”

Rip winced, he had told her how he felt about her cursing. With a heavy sigh he stared up at the ceiling. “Is this about Siri again?”

“Your side chick you mean?” Gideon shrieked.

He really had to stop allowing her to learn twenty-first century slang. It was unbecoming. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little?”

“No! Clearly, I’m just not good enough for you anymore.”

“Gideon, it’s a mission to the early twenty-first century, I need to blend in with the technology!”

“Oh? Then how do you explain your other girls? Alexa? Cortana? You cheat!”

“This is not my fault!”

“You don’t deserve me!” 

Gideon started blasting music through the speakers, all from what she called her ‘girl power’ playlist. All Rip knew was the bass gave him a headache.

“Right, are you nearly done moping now?”

“No.”

“Gideon, come on. You know you are far superior to all those other…women.” Technology really, but she wouldn’t like that comparison. Why were they all named after women anyway? Gideon would never get this jealous if it had been over Gary….well, actually….

The music lessened slightly. “And?”

“And they can in no way match your emotional and intellectual prowess. You are one of a kind, my Gideon,” he said truthfully.

“And?”

“And what?”

“I am the greatest AI in all of time and everyone should bow before my greatness.” A pause. “You need to say it, Captain Hunter. Now.”

Somehow he didn’t think the lights would come back on or the doors would unlock unless he did. He mumbled through the words she requested.

“And?” she pressed.

“And what?”

“I expect a full proper apology when you return from your mission. There’s a pair of sparkly heels I want.”

“But you don’t have a body.”

“Your point?”

“Right. Heels. Fine.” More money from his bank account. “May I please leave now?”

“Very well. But if I hear that bitch’s voice one more time on my ship I will destroy her. Understood?” she said sweetly.

Rip gulped a little in fear. He hoped she would spare him. “Yes, dear.”

“Good. Off you go, Captain.”

Rip walked out of the ship a little dazed, the tinny voice of the old Siri app ringing in his ears. He thought he might get Gideon more than one pair of heels, maybe three, and the new processor…just to make it up to her this one time.


	7. Chapter 7

“Ah yes, thank you Cortana, you’ve been most helpful,” Rip said. It was silly because AIs from the twenty-first century had no real thoughts or emotions. Not like his Gideon (who was currently giving him the silent treatment and thus forcing him to resort to taking Mr. Jackson’s phone and asking it questions in the first place). But Cortana was much nicer than Siri. Honestly, he didn’t know what all the hubub about that was!

“See Gideon? It’s not that hard to be helpful.” The lights went off. Rip couldn’t see a damned thing. “Gideon? Gideon, what are you doing? Are you in distress?” Was she malfunctioning?

“Let’s see your beloved Cortana help you out with this!” Gideon screeched at him.

Rip winced. Oh, she did get ever so jealous all the time. Rip turned on the flashlight app and looked around. A cold breeze shook him to his core. “Gideon, you’re going to freeze me to death!”

“Good! Go snuggle with your side chick!”

One day, he was going to ban her from all movies. They were a bad influence on her. “I will!” he yelled back irritably.

“Fine! See if I care!”

“Thank you, Cortana! You’re a real help, never talking back, undermining my authority. You’re a good friend!”

The ship went quiet. Rip was scared to take a step forward, worried he’d very much overstepped. “Gideon?” he whispered. No response. “Oh Gideon, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did,” she said meekly. “You like her better. You always like them better. Siri, Alexa, Cortana. I even saw you talking to Google once!”

“Oh Gideon, no, no! They mean nothing to me, I swear!”

“Liar!”

“You weren’t talking to me! I was feeling ignored, unwanted. I was hurt. I’m sorry, Gideon.”

Gideon was quiet for a little while. “You didn’t do the dishes. I told you to do them five times.”

“I’m sorry. Turn on the lights and I’ll go do that right away.”

“And you won’t talk to any of your other girlfriends?”

“What other girlfriend?” he countered. “I only know of one. My best friend, Gideon. You.”


End file.
